When asked, why a 50 cal.. Billy replied.. cause they don't make a 51 cal gotta love it

A new little division of Hallmark.... real cards for real situations.


//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

My tire was thumping. 

I thought it was flat 

When I looked at the tire... 

I noticed your cat. 

Sorry!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

 Heard your wife left you,
 
How upset you must be. 

But don't fret about it... 

She moved in with me. 

  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Looking back over the years 

that we've been together, 

I can't help but wonder... 

'What the hell was I thinking?' 

  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Congratulations on your wedding day! 

Too bad no one likes your husband. 

  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How could two people as beautiful as you 

Have such an ugly baby? 

  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I've always wanted to have 
someone to hold, 

someone to love. 

After having met you ... 

I've changed my mind.

-------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------------

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life. 

I never believed in Hell until I met you. 

  //////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... 

That you're not here to ruin it for me. 

  ####################################################

Congratulations on your promotion. 
Before you go... 

Would you like to take this knife out of my back? 

You'll probably need it again.

********************************************************************************

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! 

                             (Available only in  Tennessee , Kentucky & West  Virginia )

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Happy birthday! You look great for your age.  

Almost Life like! 

  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When we were together, 
you always said you'd die for me. 

Now that we've broken up, 

I think it's time you kept your promise.

  //////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

We have been friends for a very long time  

let's say we stop?

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I'm so miserable without you 

it's almost like you're here.

====================================================

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. 

Did you ever find out who the father was? 

 %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Your friends and I wanted to do 

something special for your birthday. 

So we're having you put to sleep.

))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

So your daughter's a hooker, 
and it spoiled your day. 

Look at the bright side, 

it's really good pay

Wags:

 

What was the best thing about Obama's "Cash For Clunkers" program?


It took 95% of all the Obama bumper stickers off the road.



Joe

watch this video, this little guys facial expressions, about 2 minutes in,  is why I put this on the "Lighter Side"



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aJG9Tol1a0U

Kelsey,
That is priceless.  Didn't notice any ear plugs.  That is going to be a problem.

John offered to buy Tyler a drum set but Andy said no.

What!
No drum set???

Wow, you're tough Andrew. The kid gets to unwind, develop motor skills and gets a workout. What can go wrong? I'll give you tips on building a quiet room.

A Congressman was seated next to a little girl on the airplane leaving from Texarkana when the he turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the total stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the congressman. 'How about global warming or universal health care', and he smiles smugly.

OK, ' she said. 'Those could be interesting topics. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The California legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I really have absolutely no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, "Well then.....Do you really feel qualified to discuss issues such as global warming or universal health care when you don't know crap?

She quietly went about reading her book and was not bothered again!

"Kowboy, I can't beleive you find the pain of other's so funny." I can hear my critics now. Maybe the fact that the pain is entirely self-inflicted mitigates for me.

Joe

 

yep.
That was pretty funny. "course I didn't have the sound on, so maybe it was me...

I wasn't sure where to post this as I have not bothered to track it or confirm. I just think it is a great answer to a stupid question and right now I have no love for the press anyway...

General Cosgrove (Austrailia) was interviewed on the radio recently.
Read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.
Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you have to love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time.
In a portion of an ABC radio interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military Headquarters.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE:!
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.


FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.


FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radiocast went silent for 46 seconds and when it returned, this interview was over.

That was hilarious

Bill, you may want to hit your edit button..... same story different name....
http://www.snopes.com/military/reinwald.asp