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| 25 Jun 2009 01:10 AM |
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Dear Norm:
If the remodeling business slows too much in Florida, perhaps you would consider a career change to the advice column business. Your even-tempered nature combined with your sense of humor has served you well as a participant and moderator on www.thefabricatornetwork.com and those traits seem to be essential for your new venture. May I be your first client?
Before we moved to Michigan, my wife and I lived in a condo on the Maumee River in Toledo, Ohio. The street was busy, but the back yard had a spectacular river view. With riparian rights, the condo association installed boat docks every year and we had a nice boat.
On rare days, if the wind blew long and hard enough, most of the water would blow out of the river and your boat would sit in the muck until refloated by the returning water. On one beautiful day, my wife, my mom and I were enjoying a drink and the sunshine in the back of my grounded boat. My next-door neighbor Grace and a boatload of her girlfriends were approaching in their small boat; they had launched before the water had blown out. About fifty feet from her dock, Grace runs aground. Helpful neighbor that I am, I grab a rope, run up my dock, across the yards and out to the end of Grace’s dock.
Before I continue, I’ve got to tell a bit about Grace. She is sixtyish, height/weight proportionate and incredibly well maintained, if you know what I mean. She was a former Miss Michigan if that gives you a hint.
When I get to the end of her dock, I can’t believe my eyes. Seeing me on my way, Grace has climbed onto the bow of her boat. Kneeling, she’s anticipating the rope I’m about to throw. However, in all the excitement, she doesn’t realize her tube top has fallen to her waist and she isn’t wearing a swimsuit underneath, either.
Needless to say, but my first rope toss goes wide left by a about a mile. I was really distracted. As I’m reeling it in for another try and thinking I must be dreaming at my incredible good fortune, my wife, a helpful neighbor too, approaches down the dock. She sees what I’m enjoying, and as a loyal member of the Girl Club, shouts “Grace! Grace!” while making pull-up-your-top motions with her hands and arms. Grace looks down, gasps, and turns to face her girlfriends as she pulls up the figurative curtain, ending my show. Surprisingly, like a bunch of drunken twentysomething guys, her girlfriends laugh hysterically at her predicament.
Undistracted, my next throw lands right in her hands. I pull them in and Grace says, ”Joe, this will be our little secret, right?”
“Of course.” I lied.
Norm, I’ve got a few questions. Sometimes when I’m stuck in traffic, I play this incident back in my head, just like a CD. Of course it’s followed by the incident in 1982 where the beauty at the gas station, braless and bent over filling up her big Pontiac in her low-cut floppy sweatshirt, gave me a nice show too. Perhaps I should call this CD “Girls Gone Inadvertently Wild.” Now I’ve been to my share of bachelor parties and strip clubs, but nothing burns a CD into my brain like boobs-you-were-not-supposed-to-see.
Am I normal? If not, what treatment or therapy do you recommend?
Thanks in advance,
Joe |
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Norm Walters
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| 25 Jun 2009 03:12 AM |
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Joe, I would recommend that you discontinue the testosterone replacement therapy.  |
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| www.normwaltersconstruction.com |
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| 25 Jun 2009 04:07 PM |
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Posted By Norm Walters on 24 Jun 2009 10:12 PM
Joe, I would recommend that you discontinue the testosterone replacement therapy. Norm: Thanks, but will that erase my CD? Joe |
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Curt Herrmann
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| 27 Jun 2009 02:58 PM |
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I like the idea of a "Dear Norm" Column.
Considering the variety of personal problems we fabricators have,
it could be a valuable resource. If nothing else it would be
cheaper than therapy in these tough economic times!
Curt
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It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues.
Abraham Lincoln |
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| 27 Jun 2009 03:05 PM |
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Posted By Curt H on 27 Jun 2009 09:58 AM
I like the idea of a "Dear Norm" Column.
Considering the variety of personal problems we fabricators have,
it could be a valuable resource. If nothing else it would be
cheaper than therapy in these tough economic times!
Curt
Curt: Nothing could demonstrate your support for a "Dear Norm" column more than a submision. You've got to have something Norm can help with. Let's read it. Joe |
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Linda Graves
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| 27 Jun 2009 10:01 PM |
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Dear Norm,
I had a family in the showroom today with three children, 2,5,& 7. The 5 & 7 yr. old boys were making paper airplanes and throwing them all over the showroom while screaming at the top of their lungs. Mom and Dad were quietly selecting countertop materials, the 2 year old was nursing (3 different times) and when finished marked up one of the displays with a purple (washable) felt pen that I had given them for coloring.
How would you have handled this situation.
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Linda
Olive Mill |
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Andy Graves
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| 28 Jun 2009 02:42 AM |
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Dear Norm,
I have a MiniVan with 60,000 miles. Should I trade it in and take advantage of the low prices and incentives the auto makers are offering or would you suggest waiting for the economy to turn around. |
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FabNet Administrator
andy@thefabricatornetwork.com
Countertop Company - www.OliveMill.com |
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Norm Walters
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| 28 Jun 2009 12:16 PM |
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Ok, what the heck, I'll play along.
Linda, set up a TV with a DVD player with a bunch of kids movies, felt markers are old school, put them in the zone with a slow paced animated movie like "The Little Mermaid"
Andy, knowing you, you have maintained the minivan according to manufacturer's maintenance schedules to the letter. It will probably run for another 100K miles. I also know that "flash" is not your thing. Keep driving the mini-van and keep the money for the new vehicle, ( I know you would be paying cash) where it is at.
Joe, the only way to "erase the cd" is castration. You may want to think long and hard about this one, no pun intended.
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| www.normwaltersconstruction.com |
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Gene McDonald
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| 28 Jun 2009 02:08 PM |
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Norm, Why is abbreviated such a long word?
why do slow up and slow down mean the same thing?
why is a boxing ring SQUARE?
why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
these are causing me great problems..I just got to know who voted to have these motions passed...I wasnt around when the motions cam by to be voted on...
oh yeah...if Webster wrote the dictionary...who checks to see if he has misspelled words???? help Norm my brain is gonna blow a gasket |
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| www.gotgreencountertops.com |
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| 28 Jun 2009 08:09 PM |
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Posted By Norm Walters on 28 Jun 2009 07:16 AM
Joe, the only way to "erase the cd" is castration. You may want to think long and hard about this one, no pun intended.
Norm: Thanks for the tip, but even though I'd gain the benifits of stopping my hair loss and tremendously lowering my odds of getting prostate cancer, I don't think the other effects of castration would be worth it. Joe |
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| 28 Jun 2009 08:30 PM |
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Posted By Linda on 27 Jun 2009 05:01 PM
Dear Norm,
I had a family in the showroom today with three children, 2,5,& 7. The 5 & 7 yr. old boys were making paper airplanes and throwing them all over the showroom while screaming at the top of their lungs. Mom and Dad were quietly selecting countertop materials, the 2 year old was nursing (3 different times) and when finished marked up one of the displays with a purple (washable) felt pen that I had given them for coloring.
How would you have handled this situation.
Linda: If Norm's excellent suggestion fails, perhaps you could purchase "Linda's Magic Stick" which instantaneously causes misbehaving children to stop "screaming at the top of their lungs" and paper airplane throwing. Here is is in action. Joe |
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| 28 Jun 2009 08:50 PM |
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Dear Norm:
Please settle a small squabble between my wife and me. We were stopped in the left turn lane at an intersection today. When the light turned green the "stupid f$%^&ng idiot" in front of me didn't pull into the center of the intersection as I was instructed to do in Driver's Ed 37 years ago.
My wife contends that my instruction is old-school and they didn't teach the young Mustang driver in front of us that way, which is why he didn't do it.
When we were driving with my father-in-law in Florida, he says you'll get a ticket if you pull to the center of the intersection for a left turn there.
I like pulling into the center of the intersection, because even if the light turns red, you get to make your turn. As long as you don't turn your wheels while you're waiting, you're completely safe. (If you turn your wheels and get rear ended, you'll get blasted into oncoming traffic. I learned that in Driver's Ed too.)
What say thee, Oh driving sage?
Joe |
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Curt Herrmann
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| 28 Jun 2009 08:51 PM |
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Dear Norm,
With 2 Kids in college and business a little slow I have been looking to add some
extra income. I have considered offering my services as an escort. I can't dance
and don't look that good even with my clothes on. Can you help?
Curt
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It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues.
Abraham Lincoln |
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Linda Graves
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| 28 Jun 2009 10:45 PM |
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Posted By Kowboy on 28 Jun 2009 03:30 PM
Posted By Linda on 27 Jun 2009 05:01 PM
Dear Norm,
I had a family in the showroom today with three children, 2,5,& 7. The 5 & 7 yr. old boys were making paper airplanes and throwing them all over the showroom while screaming at the top of their lungs. Mom and Dad were quietly selecting countertop materials, the 2 year old was nursing (3 different times) and when finished marked up one of the displays with a purple (washable) felt pen that I had given them for coloring.
How would you have handled this situation.
Linda:
If Norm's excellent suggestion fails, perhaps you could purchase "Linda's Magic Stick" which instantaneously causes misbehaving children to stop "screaming at the top of their lungs" and paper airplane throwing. Here is is in action.
Joe
Joe, I needed that about 30 years ago. Linda |
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Linda
Olive Mill |
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Linda Graves
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| 28 Jun 2009 10:53 PM |
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Curt,
Just advertise your services at Leisure World or a similar retirement community.
According to one our customers, the only thing that matters is that your are not a women.
Linda |
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Linda
Olive Mill |
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Norm Walters
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| 29 Jun 2009 12:30 AM |
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Posted By Curt H on 28 Jun 2009 03:51 PM
Dear Norm,
With 2 Kids in college and business a little slow I have been looking to add some
extra income. I have considered offering my services as an escort. I can't dance
and don't look that good even with my clothes on. Can you help?
Curt
Curt since you are a veteran businessman and you are interested in this profession, although not properly endowed, may I suggest something in management, i.e. Curtis Superfly, pimp extraordinaire. |
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| www.normwaltersconstruction.com |
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Norm Walters
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| 29 Jun 2009 12:36 AM |
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Posted By Gene McDonald on 28 Jun 2009 09:08 AM
Norm, Why is abbreviated such a long word?
why do slow up and slow down mean the same thing?
why is a boxing ring SQUARE?
why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
these are causing me great problems..I just got to know who voted to have these motions passed...I wasnt around when the motions cam by to be voted on...
oh yeah...if Webster wrote the dictionary...who checks to see if he has misspelled words???? help Norm my brain is gonna blow a gasket Gene, I can only answer your rhetorical question with another. Why was the green movement named "green" when 70 percent of the earth is covered by water. According to this picture it doesn't look green to me.  |
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| 29 Jun 2009 01:48 AM |
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Posted By Curt H on 28 Jun 2009 03:51 PM
Dear Norm,
With 2 Kids in college and business a little slow I have been looking to add some
extra income. I have considered offering my services as an escort. I can't dance
and don't look that good even with my clothes on. Can you help?
Curt
Curt: I deferred to Norm before offering a suggestion, but perhaps women like Linda who purchase a cattle prod for chastizing the wayward would pay for some live human flesh on which to practice. Apparently you have to zap in different places to avoid singing skin. Their practice would be covered by your clothes and you may learn to dance from the deal. Sounds like a win-win to me, Joe |
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Curt Herrmann
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| 29 Jun 2009 01:29 PM |
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Thanks to everyone for the advice!
I am currently looking for an appropriate hat with a feather
and a vintage caddy with wide white walls to
cruise the retirement village. I have decided to take
Norm's advice and hire someone for the appointments.
Joe, I imagine you have experience with fetishes and other special
requests. Are you available and at what rate?
Thanks in advance,
Curt
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It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues.
Abraham Lincoln |
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| 29 Jun 2009 06:59 PM |
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Posted By Curt H on 29 Jun 2009 08:29 AM
Thanks to everyone for the advice!
I am currently looking for an appropriate hat with a feather
and a vintage caddy with wide white walls to
cruise the retirement village. I have decided to take
Norm's advice and hire someone for the appointments.
Joe, I imagine you have experience with fetishes and other special
requests. Are you available and at what rate?
Thanks in advance,
Curt
Curt: Unfortunately, my only experience with fetishes and special requests is my attendance at The Dirty Show. However, If Grace and/or the girl at the gas station asked to practice with their cattle prods, I'd give it a try-for free. Joe |
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